Take The Anger.

Today was Love Feast in my church. Except that I felt everything except love.

I forced myself to church today. I’ve been avoiding church, or rather, I’ve been avoiding people. But I went. I got there 15 minutes before the program ended, with wobbly legs and a racing heart, because I needed to prove to myself that the hurt from people in the church should not affect my relationship with God.

It’s hard.

But I am trying.

I went today and felt like a stranger in my Father’s house. Everyone was happy. Truly happy, or who knows? The laughs. The “go to seven people and say I love you.” I stood up at first, but I sat back down. I couldn’t move.

Oh Jesus, take this anger. Restore my joy. Restore my peace. I long for the days when my joy is constant. I want to be happy again.

I’ve had to write exams through this pain, and I think that’s the worst thing that could happen to any student. I’ve cried while studying my slides. I’ve read through blurred eyes.

Do you experience this too? That aching pain in your chest?

I thought there was hope for our friendship. I’ve been praying about us, not verbally yet, but in my heart. My mouth refuses to move.

But now, I don’t know.

I used to confide in her about us. And now you two? You’re becoming good friends. And it makes me so angry. So angry that I feel selfish for even feeling this way.

I am angry about a heartbreak, which is insane because I was not even in a relationship.

Why does it hurt watching you smile like nothing happened? Why does it feel like I’m the only one grieving something that died quietly?

I am angry.

Angry that I have to be the strong one. Angry that I have exams on top of panic attacks. I have cried so much. So much that I wonder if there’s any tear left in my eyes.

I have wiped my tears and opened my books again.

Because what do I say?

“Oh, my emotions got the best of me, so I couldn’t read.” That sounds flimsy to people, to me, even.

But I am angry that you are smiling and I am barely holding myself together. And I don’t want this anger.

It is not me, and it has been spilling.

Spilling into the way I respond to people. Into my tone, my patience.

I notice the sharpness sometimes. The distance too.

I have become overly defensive.And I don’t like it.

I don’t like who I am becoming when I let this sit in me.

Another truth is, I want what they have. I want to go to church and feel that church love they are feeling. I want to laugh freely. I want to stand when they say “go to seven people” and not feel frozen.

I want to feel at home too.I want my own community. Safe people.

People who don’t make me feel small or replaced. I don’t want to just attend church. I want to belong.

I don’t want to sit in church and feel hardened.
I don’t want to become bitter. I don’t want my hurt to turn into distance from God.

So Jesus, take it.

Take the anger.
Take the pride.
Take the victim mindset.
Take the ache.
Take the part of me that feels replaced.
Take the part of me that wants to cry in the middle of reading.

Because I refuse to let people’s actions redefine my relationship with You.

I refuse.

But I am tired.