Before You Go.

It’s two days till my birthday.

I am currently at Sola’s place with Ore. They are playing ludo or rather, they were, because they are both currently in the kitchen trying to fix something for us to eat. Life feels good. Life is good. This moment feels like one of those moments you try to register fully in your heart because it feels too sacred for you to just allow it slip off. This moment feels very poetic. Very soft. Very alive.

Sola is talking about Tourette syndrome and one artist. He’s making that face he makes when he’s talking about something passionately, eyebrows squeezed together like the matter personally concerns him. Ore is dicing beef. I don’t trust that she hasn’t eaten most of it already.

The kitchen smells like fried oil and seasoning and home. James Arthur is playing faintly in the background and for some reason, everything feels suspended. Like the world outside this house paused for a second just to let me feel this properly.

Back to the actual reason I am writing to you. My birthday is in two days and I feel so much gratitude in my heart this moment. The kind that sits heavily in your chest and almost scares you because you don’t know where to pour it. I knew this moment where I would start reflecting on my past year would come. I just wasn’t expecting it to start today. I had planned to take some hours out tomorrow, go somewhere quiet and really introspect. But I guess we can start now.

My life has taken so many turns this past year. So many. I’ve started doing things I never saw myself doing. Sometimes I still pause and laugh because how exactly did we get here? I’ve met so many amazing people this year and it genuinely makes my heart ache, in a good way. Like my chest physically cannot contain all this love and gratitude at once.

I’ve grown. Inioluwa, oti dagba.

In stature. In emotion. In mindset. In discipline. In love. In friendship. In family. In tolerance. In consistency. In allowing myself to be seen properly. In speaking without shrinking my thoughts first. In exposure. Most importantly, in God. That one is undeniable. God has helped me and He is still helping me. Sometimes I randomly remember who I used to be and I just sit there quietly because ah, Jesu somi di eniyan. Baami changed my life.

It feels like all I do these days is cry and cry and cry and it is not always sad tears. Sometimes it’s just because I suddenly realize I am living prayers I once whispered carelessly. Sometimes it’s because I look around and realize I am surrounded by people I genuinely love. Sometimes it’s because God has been too intentional with me for me to ignore it.

This year’s birthday is for 11-year-old Inioluwa who was always writing in her green and white journal in JSS1K. She would be so proud. So proud that I can now articulate my thoughts properly. Chaii. 11-year-old me wrote bits and pieces she thought nobody would ever understand. Heck, even she did not fully understand them either. But she felt things deeply. She always did. And somehow, we are still here. Still feeling deeply. Still writing through it.

Omo, I have been shedding hot tears. A contributing factor is because Sola has been playing James Arthur and Lewis Capaldi songs back to back and everybody knows those ones are professional heartbreakers even when your heart is perfectly fine.

Everything feels right this moment. I wish it could stay like this forever and every time I am having a bad day, I would remember this exact night. Sola talking too much. Ore stealing beef. Music in the background. My heart full. God everywhere. It feels too good.

And btw, the title of this letter is from one of the songs Sola played.

I love my friends, truly.